I keep seeing posts of ladies who are changing their profile pictures on FB to one of them with their mom. That's great. I'm so happy for them that they are proud to share their moms with the world and give them the recognition they deserve for a job well-done raising these women who are strong and capable successes in their own right, thanks to a great upbringing.
I see women who post about not having a mother on Mother's Day. They lost their mothers far too young to an illness or a tragedy, and my heart breaks for them. They deserve a happier day than to be sad and missing a strong role model that they'd love to spend time with one more time.
However, there is a third side to this coin. This isn't heads or tails. This is the narrow band that splits the two, the edge that the coin balances on with no conclusive ending to the flip. That is where I fall. You see, my mother is still alive. Yet we are coming up on the fourth year of radio silence between us - entirely my choice and one that is not changing anytime soon. I have no intention of posting a happy photo of the two of us. Just like, I have no intention of allowing her to have an influence on my children. Because of my upbringing and her toxic influence, my kids have enough to deal with as I wade through trying to be a more level-headed and better parent than I had. I admit that is easier some days than others.
In August of 2012, my mother - you know, that woman that is supposed to be there for me and help guide me and be proud of who I am - posted on FB that I am a bitch and not her child, that my father raised me. That's after telling me that she KNEW that I couldn't handle raising three children [*gasp* I have FOUR now. They're turning out pretty good] and after throwing a fit on the day of my daughter's birth because I didn't call her fast enough after MY C-SECTION. Now mind you, we had planned for months that she would be at the hospital for the birth, and it was her own mental issues and made-up health issues that prevented that from occurring. However, it became my fault that she didn't know about my daughter's birth on her timeline. Fast forward to July, when she finally came up to meet this oh-so-precious grandchild, and I made a comment about something that happened 22 years before that made her so angry she forced my stepfather to pack up and head south that night instead of two days later as planned. Then, in August, she posts to FB.
Since then, I have gotten phone calls telling me to move past this so she can spend time with her grandchildren. No apology or recognition that she did anything wrong. I have been told by family members that I should "let it go" or "just talk to her".
That isn't how a mother should be. That isn't what I should have to deal with, rather than be proud to share who my mother is. I give credit to my father for helping me become the person I am. Otherwise, I give credit to the mothers of my good friends in my formative years and I take credit for the rest. That may sound arrogant, but I grew up fast starting at age 8 and I made the right choices as I grew and kept myself out of trouble. My mother does not get credit for any of that.
Yes, I mourn a childhood that could have been less stressful and painful. But everyone deals with pain and drama, unexpected upheaval and issues. I am not crying poor me with this. At least, that isn't my intention. I just want to share my perspective on Mother's Day. On having a mother that is living but no intention to spend time with her - not even over the phone.
I made the decision four years ago to protect my children from a negative influence and attempt to be a parent that prevents as much pain and frustration as possible. My decision came when my then four-year-old said, "Why can't we see Grandma today? Is she sick again?" My little girl already had the routine down - promises of fun activities that get postponed and eventually canceled altogether because of a migraine, a round of fibromyalgia or a feigned illness because you made her mad with a comment or other action that went against her idea of how things should be. I get migraines - they're genetic and I got them from both parents.
I can't stop having migraines. My children have to deal with my migraines. They aren't going to be disappointed by a grandparent that lives five states away so they barely see her as it is. They aren't going to have someone in their lives that threatens to call them by a name she prefers rather than by their given name because she doesn't approve of the name they were given - yep, she did that too.
Tomorrow is Mother's Day. I will wake up with my children and spend the day with them. We won't be calling my mother. We didn't send a package or a card. I barely talk to my brothers and don't like family members knowing my phone number or address because I don't want her to have them. I prefer the peace of not having communication lines open. I prefer the way I am able to handle life more objectively without her influence. I prefer our lives without her input.
Like I said, I fall on the Third Side of the Coin.
