Becoming a parent changes you. It shows you exactly how much patience you have (or don't have), it shows you that you never could have imagined the amount of love you have for tiny human beings as they become your heart walking around outside your body. I know, because I have four of them.
My situation is unique, because I got my first child, ready made and one year old. She is beautiful, smart and exactly like her mama, even though we don't share a single strand of DNA. So I missed out on the baby stage with Lilly. However, she was loved, protected and cared for by her daddy, her aunts and her grandparents. She had a special place in everyone's hearts because of her personality and also because she had the misfortune to end up with a womb donor who didn't realize the amazing little person that she supported for nine months and gave birth to.
I know how lucky I am to have my "bonus daughter", who never gave me morning sickness 24/7 and didn't stretch my skin. She gave me all the fun of teaching her to talk and feed herself, all the joy of watching her learn new things, enjoy new experiences and yes, every time she tries my patience.
Lilly is now 7. Over those years, her dad and I have been doing our best to give her the things she needs, some of the things she wants and to teach her how to behave and be respectful of those around her. She is an amazing child who shares with her siblings, sometimes DESPITE being told not to. She brings home candy or stickers from school and passes them out, even though she would be perfectly in her right to hoard them because she is the one who earned them or received them as part of a class party. She is giving and helpful and amazing in more ways than I can count.
Also over the years, Lilly has had things promised to her - outings that would be special for just her, overnights once x and y and z were accomplished. Thgese promises were made by people she should be able to trust and count on to follow through. Yet, time and time again, these promises are not fulfilled. She does not get to do x, even though she is now potty trained (for over 4 years). She does not get to do y because of various excuses.
Lilly has not thrown a fit or cried over these situations. In fact, she is far too understanding at the age of 7 that even if someone says she will get to do something, it may not happen today. Or Tomorrow. Or next Month. When she does get to do something, her eyes sparkle with excitement yet she nods and shows she understands the importance of behaving well and showing she deserves these rare chances to do special things. We see that a lot more often then the other people who make promises.
Today, yet again, Lilly lost an opportunity. There are people that will say that is our fault - Terry's and mine. I can not agree. There are people that have lost the privilege of being part of Lilly's life - and the lives of her siblings - because they make poor choices and do not understand that Terry and I have the responsibility to protect our children from bad influences. We want to protect them from the pain we both experienced growing up, having promises made and broken over and over, being used as pawns when an adult didn't like the way things were going or were called out on reprehensible behavior and being disappointed over and over. Life is full of disappointments when you are an adult. We know the kids will deal with things we would rather they didn't have to, but our goal is to cut down on those experiences when we can.
Once we make that decision and cut those people out of our children's lives, others need to respect that and not try to go behind our backs to take our child around that person or group of people.
People have the choice of respecting us and treating us and our children properly, or they can stay out of our lives. For the people who are still in our lives, that means we trust YOU to be around our children, to treat them properly and to be the role models our children need to grow up to be adults that people respect. That means respecting us as parents and not going against things we request and having our children around people we do not choose to have them around.
I am not sad to say that my mother, who does not live close to us, has not had any contact with my children in over 3 years and WILL NOT have contact with them. That is an entirely different issue. [However, for those who talk to her, that was not about money. It was about the fact she treats me like I should be a parrot of her opinions and misguided views. When I am my own person and voice something that hurts her feelings at the age of 30, I get insulted, called names, treated badly and then my children suffer. That is not acceptable.]
Having Lilly receive promises that never get fulfilled is also not acceptable. People that make these promises, then announce to us that they will be taking our child somewhere that
1-the rest of her family isn't welcome and
2- that we do not want our child to go
will not be taking our child anywhere. The fact that you then make it sound as if we changed our minds for NO REASON and can't respect that we are the parents in this situation, whether you agree with our choices or not, just reinforces that we are protecting our child the best way we can by keeping her home with us.
The worst part of this to me is that our child is so used to having stuff like this happen that she just brushed it off and went back to being the awesome big sister (sometimes pain in the butt) that she usually is. She didn't cry or whine.
Then again, I guess that means we are doing something right in the way we are raising our kids. We will continue to do so, without anyone else in their lives if that is what it takes.
I am sad that at this point, Jeffrey won't be getting some of the experiences that the older kids got, and Dylan and Harper won't remember much. However, I would rather they not know people than have the memories and sadness Terry and I both have from the issues we dealt with growing up with.
